So I just recently got back from my extended vacation visiting my Giant friends who dwell deep beneath the earth in the south of France.
I visited them in the 27th century this time because their caverns are a lot easier to access then. Giants basically live like forever so they’re essentially the same bunch of Giants whenever I visit them. The only time it gets confusing is when they will refer to something which for them I did, but for me I haven’t done yet. Or vise versa. Whatever the hell that means.
Anyways, on my way home from France—by ship by the way, because even though I may be able to jump through time, I am not Superman and cannot jump from France to America—anyways, on my way home from France, some punk kid had the audacity to call me a turd burglar.
It happened on the poop deck.
And it reminded me of an old story.
There once lived a genuine turd burglar—I think it was somewhere in Wisconsin in the 1970’s.
Anyway, this guy would break into people’s houses at night and find his way into their bathrooms where he would carefully inspect their toilets. If they hadn’t been flushed properly and there were turds left behind he would strain them out with a fishnet and plop them into baggies which he would in turn label with the time, date and address.
Some nights he would collect dozens of different specimens.
Some people said he worked for the government and that top scientists were analyzing the stool samples to monitor the health and diet of the town’s residents.
Others said that he was a voodoo witch doctor and that he would fashion the turds into their makers’ likenesses and stick pins and needles into them and wave Zippo lighters back and forth beneath their feet.
But personally I suspect he was just some fucking sicko.
Probably French.
I think they did say he would always leave a piece of cheese behind.
But that also could have just been because he was from Wisconsin
Of course no one would ever eat the cheese because they knew damn well where his filthy stinking hands had been.
Actually, one guy did eat it one time.
I think he said it was brie.
He also said it was quite tasty.
But this guy was also French, so take that for what it’s worth.
They never did catch the Turd Burglar. There have since been rashes of turd burglaries in scattered locations across the United States and Canada but nobody knows for sure whether it’s the genuine Turd Burglar or just a rash of copycats.
It’s a poopy mystery that may never be solved.