Spamrider of the Apocalypse

I watched John Carpenter’s The Thing tonight.  I’ve seen it before, or at least I think I have. Great movie by the way. But that’s not why I watched it. I thought maybe seeing Kurt Russell might jar up some old memories of the things I apparently have written about here then subsequently forgotten. Nothing….

Well done, alternate-timeline America! You’ve really gone and stepped in it this time. I really hope you’re proud of yourself. In fact, I know you are. We’ll just see how long that feeling lasts I guess. Bravo!

You’re probably expecting me to say something about the election. It is the orange elephant in the room after all. In my old timeline we were facing the same horror shitshow. But come calamity or calm waters I figure the point is moot anyway because America has obviously lost its way somewhere along the line…

So here’s the deal.  It’s apparently all out there anyway so I may as well come clean. Yes, I am a time traveler.  And I may or may not vaguely remember something about having a hitherto secret alien friend named Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible. But before now I never would have been stupid enough to write…

Something is definitely not right. I’ve felt it for days now, but today I am sure. I just found out that fucking Cher is still alive! Which needless to say I found quite confusing.  Because in the world I remember Cher died in a tragic skiing accident sometime back in the late 1990s.  Before that…

I have been phasing in and out of timEsynch like you wouldn’t believe. I’m having a rare lucid moment right now so I figured I’d better post something real quick while I still can. I have no idea where it is I am going or if or when I’ll be back or if I’ll even…

So Schmelnoz and I were hanging out drinking the other night (imagine that), and as he was passing out under my coffee table Schmelnoz kept muttering something about “The God Algorithm”. The next morning I asked him what the hell he was talking about and all he would tell me was that all the fundamental…

Nicholson Baker wrote a novel called The Firmata about a guy who could stop time. And, as most guys who could stop time would probably do, he largely just used his superpowers to take off women’s bras and panties.  But he also did all these funny little things to fuck with people, and if nothing…

That’s how much light the sun puts out. I read it on the internet so it must be true. Schmelnoz says that most of the interesting stuff happening in the universe at any given moment is happening in the wavelengths of light outside of human vision. That is to say, most of what is going…

They say when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. This always seemed sort of silly to me.  Mostly because I like lemons just fine. So what if life hands you a stinking pile of shit? What are you supposed to do then, make a shit sandwich? Funny thing is I once knew a guy who did exactly that. As…