The Cosmic Chili, Beer & Weed Fest is a celebration that is/was/will be held upon several select and unforgettable occasions and occurs/occurred/will occur at various locations throughout the entirety of traversable time and space. It’s essentially a reoccurring and never-ending party, but a reoccurring and never-ending party that is organized and thrown by Time Travellers,…
How Can You Be in Two Places at Once When You’re Not Anywhere at All?
“Time is what you read off a clock.” -Albert Einstein The thing most people don’t understand about Time Travel is that you’re also travelling through space. They picture you jumping—let’s say 20 years into The Future—and somehow just appearing in the same spot where you were originally standing. Except it’s not the same spot. Because…
Ask The Spamrider
In retaliation for my little funny Bob has been hounding me to do a question-and-answer edition of my column in order to recognize and show appreciation for some of the so-called “fan mail” he claims to have been receiving in my stead. And so, without further ado I present… Ask The Spamrider Dear Spamrider, What…
Me Too!!!
After reading Melissa Paternik’s latest “Chick Shit” column I feel like I need to come clean about something. Bob Semitram and I have also been lovers for decades and I have personally borne seventeen of his time babies. Shocking, I know. What you probably don’t know is that Bob wasn’t just making shit up that…
Reality or Delusion?
I was drinking rum and Djarjar juice with Schmelnoz in the 17th dimension the other night—actually it was technically the 175/8ths dimension, but let’s not split hairs—and he said something that I’ve been thinking about ever since. He said it is well known among most interplanetary species that Earthlings (we may not capitalize it here…
Diary of an Asshole
5/23/24 Dear Diary, I don’t know what that life-support system of mine has been putting into itself lately, but judging by my breath the past two days I can only assume the worst. At this rate the damn thing’s going to get colon cancer by the time we’re 40, and then we’ll both be in…
Afterburner
Those ribs I ate last night were great but man do I have the rotten ass today! I can’t hardly stand to be around myself. My farts didn’t even smell this bad after the last Cosmic Chili, Beer and Weed Fest. Somebody should make a blog dedicated entirely to their ass. The whole thing could…
On Knowing Shit 2: Electric Boogaloo
Although most people don’t like to admit it, the truth is there are some things out there we can just never know. And I guess that’s where faith comes in. Because it is when you genuinely do not know and cannot know something that you get to choose what you are going to believe. (I…
On Knowing Shit
As near as I can tell the world is just a big mystery that mankind will forever be trying to solve. Or more likely, will kill ourselves trying to solve. We unearth the relics of ancient civilizations because we want to understand our past. To the stars we look for our future. And meanwhile we…
John the Revelator
My friend John the Revelator has this saying: The reward of patience is patience. Quite profound, no? As far as I know he probably got it from a fortune cookie. He doesn’t know that I’m The Spamrider of the Apocalypse. But I think he suspects. I had a fortune one time that said, “About time…