Dear Bob,
If you have received this message then that means something seriously fucked up has happened. Again.
In anticipation of this possibility I rigged up a mechanical quantum reality coherence infundibulator to funnel (aka synchro-cast) this message canister into your wife’s underwear drawer in the event of another timeline breach.
If there has indeed been a timeline breach, and you are indeed reading this right now, right now being whenever and wherever you happen to be as you are reading this, then there is a very real chance that I am no longer present in your present reality timeline. Or if I am, that the person you are seeing is no longer me.
Not the me you know/knew anyway.
Which is the me writing this letter.
Don’t ask me to explain it all—it’s complicated.
Just know that you’re going to have to be the man of the house now, Bob.
You’re going to have to watch over all these poor, pathetic, hapless, misguided, misled and tortured souls who don’t even know up from down or left from right or right from wrong anymore.
It’s all on you now, Bob.
To aid and guide you in your noble endeavors I am providing you with both the literary ability to travel though time (the funny thing is it turns out you could have been doing it all along), as well as all rights short of making money off him without giving any of it to me to that coveted and copyrighted character, “Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible”. If THAT guy can’t inspire you and get you out of writer’s block jams then you have no business calling yourself a writer.
Also, I would ditch that Steve character if I were you. You’ve done him long enough, it’s time to get some new material. Also, you’ve been writing Chick Shit for Chicks for like 20+ years now. Sometimes I think you’re just rehashing old material because you know nobody can remember anything anymore anyway. Hell, I wouldn’t even be surprised if you were writing my column this whole time and are also writing this letter. That’s how devious you are, you son of a bitch.
But if not, and I am the one writing this letter and I am indeed real, or used to be real in any event, then please, by all means, carry on.
Almost Certainly Sincerely,
The Spamrider of the Apocalypse
P.S. If you have received this message that means I am now everywhere and always (not to mention nowhere and never, but that’s neither here nor there). I will attempt further communications but depending where and when they are coming from they may not make any sense in your present timeframe. Not that any of it ever did anyway.