Spamrider of the Apocalypse

But since it’s a scientifically proven fact that 99.44% of the time no matter what you say or do you cannot create a time paradox situation whereby you change the Past or the Future which you may or may not have previously inhabited*, here goes… THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS GOING TO BE YOU KNOW…

That was the year the fascists suddenly won elections all over the earth.  When the liberals and moderates complained that the whole thing looked pretty fishy and needed to be investigated the fascists simply brushed them aside, reminding them about how they themselves had reacted with scorn and derision to the fascists’ own prior claims…

The Cosmic Chili, Beer & Weed Fest is a celebration that is/was/will be held upon several select and unforgettable occasions and occurs/occurred/will occur at various locations throughout the entirety of traversable time and space.  It’s essentially a reoccurring and never-ending party, but a reoccurring and never-ending party that is organized and thrown by Time Travellers,…

“Time is what you read off a clock.” -Albert Einstein The thing most people don’t understand about Time Travel is that you’re also travelling through space.  They picture you jumping—let’s say 20 years into The Future—and somehow just appearing in the same spot where you were originally standing. Except it’s not the same spot.  Because…

In retaliation for my little funny Bob has been hounding me to do a question-and-answer edition of my column in order to recognize and show appreciation for some of the so-called “fan mail” he claims to have been receiving in my stead. And so, without further ado I present… Ask The Spamrider Dear Spamrider, What…

After reading Melissa Paternik’s latest “Chick Shit” column I feel like I need to come clean about something. Bob Semitram and I have also been lovers for decades and I have personally borne seventeen of his time babies. Shocking, I know. What you probably don’t know is that Bob wasn’t just making shit up that…

I was drinking rum and Djarjar juice with Schmelnoz in the 17th dimension the other night—actually it was technically the 175/8ths dimension, but let’s not split hairs—and he said something that I’ve been thinking about ever since. He said it is well known among most interplanetary species that Earthlings (we may not capitalize it here…

5/23/24 Dear Diary, I don’t know what that life-support system of mine has been putting into itself lately, but judging by my breath the past two days I can only assume the worst. At this rate the damn thing’s going to get colon cancer by the time we’re 40, and then we’ll both be in…

Those ribs I ate last night were great but man do I have the rotten ass today! I can’t hardly stand to be around myself. My farts didn’t even smell this bad after the last Cosmic Chili, Beer and Weed Fest. Somebody should make a blog dedicated entirely to their ass. The whole thing could…

Although most people don’t like to admit it, the truth is there are some things out there we can just never know.  And I guess that’s where faith comes in. Because it is when you genuinely do not know and cannot know something that you get to choose what you are going to believe. (I…