Month: March 2024

In The Future people have all these funny names for exotic sexual positions or maneuvers. Sort of like how the people of today might speak of “The Rusty Trombone,” or “The Dirty Sanchez”. I won’t try to elaborate on what any of these may or may not actually involve because to be honest with you…

While I certainly have no intentions of letting this thus far squeaky-clean and entirely uncontroversial column of mine ever devolve into something so lowly and debased as religious mumbo-jumbo, I would nontheless like to take the opportunity this week to discuss something that Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible and I spoke about quite at length one long…

Well, it’s that time of year again when most people set their clocks ahead an hour and, as my friend Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible once put it, start pretending that it’s really one hour later than it actually is. Personally I agree with Schmelnoz and think this Daylight Saving stuff is all pretty asinine. But, living…

They just wisp away.

My fortune cookie tonight said, “Someone from your past has returned to steal your heart.” I’ll bet anything it’s that damn Haitian witchdoctor again. He’s been after my heart for decades now. He needs it for some sort of crazy Voodoo ritual.

Schmelnoz says the cost of free will is bearing the weight of the world upon your shoulders. I asked him if he believes in free will. He said that only those who do not already know The Future believe in free will. Then he farted and we drank together in wry merriment.

“It is a mathematical fact that the casting of this pebble from my hand alters the centre of gravity of the universe.” -Thomas Carlyle While technically true, what old Tomboy fails to mention is that at the same time he’s tossing off his little pebbles, there are untold and mindboggling numbers of other events taking…