Spamrider of the Apocalypse

There are three things I can think of of which there are no degrees. 1.) Originality2.) Perfection3.) Infinity 1.) Originality I have a friend who says it makes him crazy when people refer to things as being “very original,” or “the most original”. And he’s right. He is crazy. 2.) Perfection Even though people might…

The shortest unit of time recognized by The Interuniversal Transdimensional Time Travel Council of Geneva, Wisconsin (or ITTTC) is the Planckojiffy*. And the reason that the Planckojiffy is the shortest recognized unit of time is because the Planckojiffy just so also happens to be the shortest unit of time that can ever possibly be measured….

Schmelnoz once told me that the remarkable thing about human beings is that despite all our (extremely) obvious shortcomings each of us actually has a little genius inside of us. (If you don’t know who I’m talking about when I say “Schmelnoz” without my explaining it to you by now then you need to go…

Robert Heinlein once wrote a story called “All You Zombies” about a man who goes back in time and fucks himself, thus becoming his own mother and father. (Heinlein actually manages to make it all sound a lot more plausible than I just did.) Later on they made an Ethan Hawke movie out of it…

In The Future people have all these funny names for exotic sexual positions or maneuvers. Sort of like how the people of today might speak of “The Rusty Trombone,” or “The Dirty Sanchez”. I won’t try to elaborate on what any of these may or may not actually involve because to be honest with you…

While I certainly have no intentions of letting this thus far squeaky-clean and entirely uncontroversial column of mine ever devolve into something so lowly and debased as religious mumbo-jumbo, I would nontheless like to take the opportunity this week to discuss something that Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible and I spoke about quite at length one long…

Well, it’s that time of year again when most people set their clocks ahead an hour and, as my friend Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible once put it, start pretending that it’s really one hour later than it actually is. Personally I agree with Schmelnoz and think this Daylight Saving stuff is all pretty asinine. But, living…

They just wisp away.

My fortune cookie tonight said, “Someone from your past has returned to steal your heart.” I’ll bet anything it’s that damn Haitian witchdoctor again. He’s been after my heart for decades now. He needs it for some sort of crazy Voodoo ritual.

Schmelnoz says the cost of free will is bearing the weight of the world upon your shoulders. I asked him if he believes in free will. He said that only those who do not already know The Future believe in free will. Then he farted and we drank together in wry merriment.