Category: Blog

So here’s the deal.  It’s apparently all out there anyway so I may as well come clean. Yes, I am a time traveler.  And I may or may not vaguely remember something about having a hitherto secret alien friend named Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible. But before now I never would have been stupid enough to write…

Something is definitely not right. I’ve felt it for days now, but today I am sure. I just found out that fucking Cher is still alive! Which needless to say I found quite confusing.  Because in the world I remember Cher died in a tragic skiing accident sometime back in the late 1990s.  Before that…

I have been phasing in and out of timEsynch like you wouldn’t believe. I’m having a rare lucid moment right now so I figured I’d better post something real quick while I still can. I have no idea where it is I am going or if or when I’ll be back or if I’ll even…

So Schmelnoz and I were hanging out drinking the other night (imagine that), and as he was passing out under my coffee table Schmelnoz kept muttering something about “The God Algorithm”. The next morning I asked him what the hell he was talking about and all he would tell me was that all the fundamental…

Nicholson Baker wrote a novel called The Firmata about a guy who could stop time. And, as most guys who could stop time would probably do, he largely just used his superpowers to take off women’s bras and panties.  But he also did all these funny little things to fuck with people, and if nothing…

That’s how much light the sun puts out. I read it on the internet so it must be true. Schmelnoz says that most of the interesting stuff happening in the universe at any given moment is happening in the wavelengths of light outside of human vision. That is to say, most of what is going…

They say when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. This always seemed sort of silly to me.  Mostly because I like lemons just fine. So what if life hands you a stinking pile of shit? What are you supposed to do then, make a shit sandwich? Funny thing is I once knew a guy who did exactly that. As…

So Bob has been wanting me to do another edition of Ask The Spamrider, the column where I answered letters from my so-called “fans”.  And God knows what Bob wants Bob gets.  Bob has this annoying way of relentlessly needling you, like a ravenous and bloodthirsty little mosquito you never can quite seem to swat. …

From the fiction writer’s perspective continuity is merely an irksome expectation based upon an unfortunate misunderstanding of unreality.

Schmelnoz once told me that the Zippo lighter is the pinnacle of man’s creation. “Think about it,” he said. Actually he probably said something more like, “Surmise Spamrider upon the following megrim…” But as usual I’m transliterating here. So he said, “Think about it.  Instant fire in a little pocket-sized indestructible metal box.  If you…